It occurs to me for as long as I can remember I've lived my life in high gear, waiting for the road to cooperate by producing a steep decline for me so I can gain speed.
This is a metaphor. I haven't exactly figured out how to describe the desperate need that's informing this obviously irrational strategy. Something about needing change within me to come from within, rather than being enforced by outside circumstances. Shifting down to be able to climb a hill would be acknowledging that the hill has power over me, or even acknowledging that I made a mistake putting my life-car in high gear. Better to pretend I'm above such worldly concerns as speed than to show my ignorance.
Just the same old fear of failure infecting so many of us victims of capitalism. I remember thinking it was worth it to pay any price to buy just another second before anyone had to find out I screwed up from when I was five years old. Maybe younger. And how little we've learned since.
Anyway I've deleted almost all my videogames to have less distractions to turn to when I get scared my writing isn't good enough. It's early to tell but I'm pretty sure this will let me get my book done before wasting another twenty years.
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