Thursday, October 28, 2021

Further fears

 I read this post somewhere suggesting autism spectrum disorders don't mean learning social cues slowly but rather learning what feels right according to a child's intuitive grasp of ethics and then protesting against having to learn it's inappropriate, that you should lie when people ask how you're doing, that you should act like nothing is wrong when someone's sad and so on. Probably not entirely incorrect.

And I think some of my problem is taking that too far. I think I've trained myself to believe doing things that feel wrong will help me fit in. Which is why I'm not writing or drawing, cause I fear indulging in my imagination as well as committing to a work ethic will make people think I'm weird. And getting drunk alone on a weekday and eating junk and sleeping badly is things I'd avoid if left to my own devices so the angels on my shoulders tell me it's probably safest to do the opposite. Cause the world has taught me it doesn't appreciate trying to act out any childish hero fantasies.

So I'm going to work more on not worrying about pleasing everyone even if it means losing the last anchors connecting me to humanity.



Sunday, October 24, 2021

Some very specific fears

 It occurs to me for as long as I can remember I've lived my life in high gear, waiting for the road to cooperate by producing a steep decline for me so I can gain speed.

This is a metaphor. I haven't exactly figured out how to describe the desperate need that's informing this obviously irrational strategy. Something about needing change within me to come from within, rather than being enforced by outside circumstances. Shifting down to be able to climb a hill would be acknowledging that the hill has power over me, or even acknowledging that I made a mistake putting my life-car in high gear. Better to pretend I'm above such worldly concerns as speed than to show my ignorance.

Just the same old fear of failure infecting so many of us victims of capitalism. I remember thinking it was worth it to pay any price to buy just another second before anyone had to find out I screwed up from when I was five years old. Maybe younger. And how little we've learned since.

Anyway I've deleted almost all my videogames to have less distractions to turn to when I get scared my writing isn't good enough. It's early to tell but I'm pretty sure this will let me get my book done before wasting another twenty years.

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

So this blog got taken down for a few hours

 Apologies to my approximately one regular reader who I've never talked to. It seems that updating the page with my personal info flagged the blog as a phishing site. I guess having your email address posted publicly could let people email you, which would let you find out their email address, a vital step in stealing their identity, I think.

At least that's my guess. No one told me what was wrong, of course. And I couldn't access the blog to fix it if I did know either. And I couldn't contact anyone to ask either. Fortunately, requesting a review gave results within hours.

The moral here is try to keep track of your blog ramblings and back them up if you think you might want to keep them, cause you never know if google will allow it or for how long.