I read this post somewhere suggesting autism spectrum disorders don't mean learning social cues slowly but rather learning what feels right according to a child's intuitive grasp of ethics and then protesting against having to learn it's inappropriate, that you should lie when people ask how you're doing, that you should act like nothing is wrong when someone's sad and so on. Probably not entirely incorrect.
And I think some of my problem is taking that too far. I think I've trained myself to believe doing things that feel wrong will help me fit in. Which is why I'm not writing or drawing, cause I fear indulging in my imagination as well as committing to a work ethic will make people think I'm weird. And getting drunk alone on a weekday and eating junk and sleeping badly is things I'd avoid if left to my own devices so the angels on my shoulders tell me it's probably safest to do the opposite. Cause the world has taught me it doesn't appreciate trying to act out any childish hero fantasies.
So I'm going to work more on not worrying about pleasing everyone even if it means losing the last anchors connecting me to humanity.